Shin no Shin
by Torimiko
Summary: Chapter 2 up. Ryu remembers the past, and how things turned cold between him and his beloved Tohma.
1. Default Chapter

Title: Shin no Shin (Heart of Truth)  
Genre: Shonen-ai/ Gravitation  
Pairing: Ryuichi x Tohma  
Rating: R  
Author: Naoko Siru sprialx@hotmail.com  
Disclaimer: I do not own any form of animation or   
character copyright AT THIS TIME… please get back to me   
in the future on the off chance I may have money.  
  
  
Seguichi Tohma was amazed to see the city lights   
winking at him when he looked up from his desk. The   
trash pile of long neglected office work had taken longer   
than a few hours to complete. Afternoon and dinner had   
disappeared. It was now late into the evening. Below his   
tenth floor window, Tokyo shined as if rolled in fairy   
dust. Unseen in the night, life flowed down streets and   
into the alleys. Young business folk, not quiet certain   
in their successes, spent their money loosely on Karaoke,   
movies, and more livacious things.   
Seguichi sighed. He pulled away from the cool press   
of the glass to straighten his desk. With Nittle   
Grasper's tour coming up, he didn't have time to go down   
to Harry's bar for a drink with Noriko or even Sakuma-  
san. Nor did he know when he would step back into his   
roll of President of NG Productions. For the next few   
weeks he was merely a band member and producer of Nittle   
Grasper. When he could return, the paperwork would yet   
again be piled high in his In box. With everything that   
could be done by phone, fax, or e-mail, he marveled that   
there was still archaic paper work.   
Seguichi grabbed his briefcase and white furred   
coat. As he flicked the light switch, he wondered if he   
should have the place shrouded in dust covers to preserve   
it for his return. With that half mocking thought, he   
headed down stairs, savoring each step in turn.   
NG Productions was in a lull. New albums weren't   
scheduled until the beginning of next fiscal quarter, and   
new shows weren't due until next month. A few talents   
were already out on the road. Only Nittle Grasper   
themselves had a tour in production. That way, very   
little would happen in his absence. Instead of the usual   
late night hussle of creative minds, the ground floor   
studios were mostly abandoned. If he hadn't seen that   
profits were up, Seguichi would have worried.   
Like a good, production mineded boss, he popped his   
head inside the sparse few studios that had their red   
"recording" lights on. In one was his dear cousin, trying   
vainly to put Shindo-san's lyrics to his song. Seguichi   
stayed just as long as was necessary, then ambled down   
the deserted hall. Near the end was one last shinning   
light. Tired, he was silently scooting by, when he   
caught a flash of pink from the corner of his eye.  
On top of a brand new blue courier bag, sat   
Kumagorou. In his arms was a sweaty bottle of Calpis   
Peach. Seguichi bowed down to the bunny's level. It   
seemed that Sakuma-san was nowhere in sight.  
"What are you doing here, by yourself?" asked   
Seguichi.  
He waited for a moment. He felt a blush crept up   
his cheeks. Sakuma's insanity must be catching after all   
these years. Seguichi had actually been waiting for the   
toy to reply.  
"I won't tell if you won't," said Seguichi Tohma in   
a hushed tone. Courious, Seguichi reached for the bottle.   
The Calpis was still cool to the touch. He picked up the   
bunny by its ears and rose. After two quick knocks,   
Seguichi opened the studio door.   
Sakuma Ryuichi sat at the mixing board with his back   
to the door. Thick headphones crushed the life out of the   
lead singer's perpetually fluffy hair. With the   
restrained touch of an expert, Sakuma played with the   
slides and levers that studded the mixing boards smooth   
face. In his earphones, he was making minute changes to   
his private concert. Seguichi moved to the side so that   
he could catch a glimpse of Sakuma's face. His eyes were   
closed, creating two perfect crescents on his cheeks,   
slightly flushed with effort. A look of distaste flashed   
across his face and sent the hand flying across the panel   
again, mixing and testing.   
Seguichi cleared his throat.  
"Ah, Sakuma-san. Here you are!"  
Seguichi drew back a step as Sakuma turned around.   
His eyes had that hard edge to them, as they had once had   
in the past. Perhaps he was still in there, Shin no   
Sakuma, the TRUE Sakuma. The one that Seguichi had   
thought he'd seen die years ago from media pressure.   
Sakuma's eyes slid away from Seguichi to the pink bunny   
he held in front of him by the ears. Ryuichi's eyes   
peeked out, and a doltish boy-smile infested his face.   
In a moment, Shin no Sakuma was gone, and boy type Ryu-  
chan was back.   
Ryuichi pulled down the massive headphones, beaming.   
"Tohma! Ah, Kumagorou!" Ryuichi whined as he   
snatched the toy from Seguichi's grasp. "Mou! You were   
supposed to tell me when someone was coming! Hum?   
Daijoubou. I think meanie Tohma has punished you enough   
by pulling your ears."  
"Gomen, gomen," said Seguichi. "So, Kumagorou was   
acting as a night watchman out in the hall by himself. I   
was concerned you had dropped him and maybe went for   
something to go with your cold drink."  
"I never drop my friend, neh, Kuma?"  
Suddenly, things became still between them. It was   
as if the room had suddenly been covered in permafrost.   
An unspoken accusation hung frozen from Sakuma's lips.   
Sakuma placed Kumagorou in a chair behind him and   
silently went back to work at the mixing board. Sakuma's   
movements were the precise ones of a man again. Seguichi   
moved towards him to look at his face. It was back to   
his serious one. The one reserved for the past and the   
stage. Sakuma pulsed with energy and heart. Seguichi   
could count the number of times he had seen this face off   
the stage on one hand. None of those occurrences had been   
on the same night, much less in the same five minutes.   
Tiny sounds escaped from the headphones around Sakuma's   
neck.   
"What are you working on? It's been years since   
I've seen you making tracks," Seguichi said quietly.  
Sakuma jerked the earphone jack out of the wall.   
The small booth was filled with song. It was Nittle   
Grasper. Sakuma was singing, and Seguichi heard himself   
coming in loud and clear. In fact, he was so loud, it was   
almost as if he were singing a duet with Sakuma.   
Seguichi couldn't place the tune.  
"We recorded this almost ten years ago," said   
Sakuma. "It was a first test for the first song I ever   
wrote by myself. It was killed in production. Never saw   
air time."  
Seguichi knew why. It was a good song, but it was a   
love ballad. It didn't fit the image of Nittle Grasper.   
The music was too slow. All their songs followed a   
certain formula, and that's what had made them a success.   
Ten years ago, this song would have been a gamble the   
group could not afford to make.   
  
Lights of heaven in your eyes,  
Angels' breathe to flavor your sighs.  
My body rises at your touch,  
Because through you I pray to god.  
  
"Bad Luck would be great for this song. Nakano-san   
can carry a tune much better than I can!" Seguichi   
smiled. "If you want to get it recorded…"  
"It's your song," Ryuichi's eyes peered our from   
under his tossled bangs. As always, his eyes reminded   
Seguichi of emerald almonds.   
"But, I thought you said you wrote it."  
"I wrote it for you, back when it was okay to feel   
like this about you. Before everything went wrong   
between us."  
Seguichi suddenly found himself three steps away.   
Long ago, this had been an issue. But, at least five   
years had past since then. It was before the bunny, and   
the boy controlling Sakuma's body. Before he was married   
to his wife, whom he did love in his own fashion.  
"Sakuma-san. Nothing went wrong between us, because   
there never was an 'us' to begin with."  
It was there in his voice, the heavy sound of never-  
was and never-will-be.  
"There should have been," Sakuma protested, "I can   
count the number of times I could have taken you. Eiri   
broke your heart with his repeated refusals. Mika-san   
doubted your feelings were nothing else but concern from   
her bastard brother."  
The right hook caught them both off guard. Seguichi   
didn't think he would blantantly punch Sakuma for what   
he'd said. Suddenly Seguichi wanted Sakuma to keep his   
damn mouth shut before he said anymore shit about Yuki   
nee Usegi Eiri. The punch caught Sakuma just left of his   
chin, and sent him careening around in his chair. With a   
metallic thud, Sakuma caught the ledge of the soundboard.   
His hand slid, pushing the treble balance to the max, and   
the room was suddenly filled with singing chipmunks.   
Sakuma used the board to spin himself back around and   
launch himself at Seguichi with a roar of rage. His   
punch hit squarely on Seguichi's left cheek and was   
easily twice as strong.  
Seguichi found himself on the floor with a hand   
covering the left side of his face. Sakuma hovered over   
him on his hands and knees, his chest heaving with   
effort. A familiar spark flashed through Seguichi's   
brain. It was the start of evil plans that tended to   
ruin careers and lives. If Sakuma knew how angry Tohma   
was, he didn't show fear. In fact, a single droplet of   
water landed on Seguichi's silk Armani tie and was   
absorbed. No other tears followed down Sakuma's cheeks.  
"Get over it!" yelled Ryuichi. "He's happy with   
Shuichi. Having you interfere and fawn over him is just   
making it more difficult. Let the selfish asshole heal,   
and move on with his pathetic existence! He doesn't care   
about you."  
Seguichi rose up onto his elbows. A small gawf   
escaped his throat.  
"Sakuma-san, you should take your own advice. 'Let   
him heal' you say. Yet here you are, trying to pull me   
back into your fantasy."  
"There is a difference. You are captured by guilt.   
I'm caught by the curiosity." Sakuma leaned slowly down.   
His chestnut hair flowed down to cover his expression.   
"What would it be like? What would he feel like beside   
me or inside of me? Would I be totally rejected? What   
does he…taste…like?"  
Seguichi could now see the individual lashes that   
framed Sakuma's almond eyes. The other man's breath was   
tickling the small hairs of his face. Then, suddenly,   
Sakuma nose was brushing the tip of his.  
"Maybe, it's time I just found out," said Sakuma.  
Seguichi barely had a chance to whisper, "Ryuichi,"   
before Sakuma's lips cut off his words. For an instant,   
the world glittered at the edges as Sakuma laced his arm   
through Seguichi's and pulled him into his kiss. 


	2. shin no shin Chapter 2

Title: Untitled

Rating: R (strong sexual content)

Pairings: Ryuichi x Tohma

Author: Siru Naoko

Sakuma Ryuichi recalled Tohma's rejection with more clarity than the fatal Incident that was never talked about.  On that afternoon, the day's promised sunshine had been totally swallowed up by vulgar black clouds.  It was in that semi-darkness that Ryuichi had slinked his way to Tohma's secret apartment.  Located above a cake shop full of tittering teenage girls, it seemed an unlikely hideout for Nittle Grapser's keyboardist and manager.  To Ryuichi, it just seemed cruel.  But then, Tohma had always been the type to tempt the devil.  

In sunglasses and a fishing cap, Ryuichi snuck up the back alley stairs, and into the abandoned hallway. He was reminded of the darker side of New York.  Everything about the hall seemed to scream "the projects".  From the worn through carpet to the missing numbers on the doors, it seemed as unlikely a locale as any.  Ryuichi knew the numbers were gone because Seguichi owned the whole building and kept this floor for his own private use.  Yes, the cake shop had been his idea. Above it, behind the gray doors, four apartments were converted into one suite suited for a rock star.  After all, if one had to hideout, one should get to do it in style.

With a metallic taste creeping up his throat, Ryuichi went to the third door down from the fire escape.  The fact that it was scrubbed clean should have been a dead give away to anyone.  No matter how he tried to fight it, Seguichi Tohma was a neat freak. To think, Tohma had been willing to soil his lovely hands for him.

Ryuichi let out a sigh, the raised a shaking hand to knock on the door.  Some unknown head briefly blocked the light in the peephole.  With grand flourish, Ryuichi whipped off his floppy hat and glasses to reveal himself.  Still, the door did not open.

"For crying out loud, Tohma, open the door.  I need to talk to you about last night!"

A bolt clicked and the door opened slightly more that a foot's width. The chain, still locked, tightened with a heavy snap. Tohma's face appeared in the gap.  The smell of fresh coffee wafted out into the hallway, chasing away some of the dark. His expression was that damned smile with the half closed eyes.

"Ah, Sakuma-san.  How are you today?" said Tohma.

Ryuichi sighed.  He was still "Sakuma-san."  Part of Ryuichi had hoped once Tohma had cooled off, this new rift would have been repaired.  He longed to hear Tohma call him "Ryuichi" again. 

"You know how I'm doing today.  Tohma, that picture is on the front page of all the newspapers!" said Ryuichi.  He moved so he was right in front of Tohma.  "I couldn't even get into my house this morning.  The media is around it, trying to seek a peek."

"So, you didn't go home last night like I told you to?" Tohma was stern, like a father chastising a disobedient child.

"No, my heart was broken by this really cute guy, so I spent the night at a yakati*," Ryuichi pushed on the door, only to feel Tohma push back.  "Let me in.  I want to talk to you about last night."

"Don't worry, Sakuma-san," smiled Tohma. "I'll take care of the media.  This will all be over in a day or two.  Until then, just hide out.  Why don't you go visit your family in Hokkaido?"

"That's not what I meant.  I want to talk about what happened between us..."

"There is no 'us', Sakuma-san. I can't let you in here. Usegi-san is here." 

Ryuichi felt his heart seize.  Usegi-san.  Usegi Eiri or Usegi Mika?  Eiri would be the bigger slap in the face. At least Mika was a woman, and could fill the role of childbearing.  Tohma would know that.  Was Tohma trying to save his feelings, or was he being exceptionally cruel.  He was capable of both. 

"Which Usegi-san?" he asked.

"That would be none of your business.  I'm closing the door now. I would suggest that you lay low for a few days.  If not, I cannot be held responsible for what happens to you. Sayonara."

With that, Tohma shut the door before Ryuichi had a chance to force his foot into the opening.  With the clicking of each lock, Ryuichi felt an urge to break down the door grow.  The message Tohma was sending was clear.  Sakuma Ryuichi had been dumped and left to fend for himself among the wolves scenting for his blood.  Tohma had been the one to bleed him with his refusal.  Ryuichi wasn't really sure which act hurt him more. 

He jammed his fishing hat back on his head and went down the main stairs.  If he was going to be caught in this place, next to all these girls, he was going to take Tohma down with him.  He was sincerely disappointed when he pasted the cake shop without incident.  Part of him wanted to shout in a falsetto, "Oh my god, is that Seguichi Tohma!" but he worried about the uncontrolled mob hurting themselves.  

Once outside, Ryuichi put back on his sunglasses and wandered around, nearly blind in the overcast afternoon.  He hung his head down, scrunched up his shoulders to the tips of his earlobes.  He tried his hardest to look like someone who didn't want to be seen.

Walking down the street, every newspaper box and bookstore window had the picture on display.  Some entrepreneurs had even been cleaver and blown it up on a photocopier, but most just had the newspaper itself.  The headline mocked him with its strange combination of fantasy and reality.

NITTLE GRASPER SHOCKER

Sakuma Ryuichi, singer, and Seguichi Tohma, Keyboardist/producer

Found in lover's embrace.

Embrace indeed.  Ryuichi picked up his pace.  He didn't want to call Noriko and explain this.  While words had never been spoken on the matter, he thought Noriko knew.  Back when they were in college together she had always teased him about not being able to keep a girlfriend because they couldn't give him what he needed.  It had been Noriko who had introduced him to Tohma.  He was a business major with a sizable inheritance who believed he had discovered the secret to band marketing.  Tohma would spend his father's money to make the perfect Idol Band.  All he needed was a beautiful woman for the men, and a universally beauty who would appeal to both the girls and the boys.  Needless to say, he found just what he was looking for in the friendship duo of Noriko and Ryuichi.  Unfortunately, love lorn Ryuichi found what he was looking for too.

Singing was like creating heaven with his own words.  With his voice, subtle movements, and a smile he could spell bind a crowd hidden behind the glare of stage lights.  They all worshiped him.  The all liked him, unquestioningly.  No one wondered why he didn't have a girlfriend.  They just saw it as an opportunity.  No one thought he was strange in collecting toys.  They saw it as enduring.  They never asked who he looked at Tohma like he did.  They all believed it was rapt attention. No one knew Ryuichi knew every detail of Tohma's visible self as well as he knew his own body.

No one noticed when Sakuma Ryuichi fell hopelessly in love with his band mate. 

He was an Idol Star, a demigod in a world of blissful animists.  If he wore a coat of chicken feathers the next week all chickens would be suffering from pneumonia to keep up with the demand.  He was an angel of heaven, and an angel can do no wrong.

Or so he thought.  Yesterday had proven him completely wrong.

Deep in thought, Ryuichi lost track of all time and space. Not only did he not know where he was, but also he didn't feel the first few drops of rain plop on his head.  As the clouds above him ripped open to drench the world, Ryuichi came back to his self.  Already drenched, he found himself in a strange neighborhood.  He was surrounded by a well-structured residential district, without so much as a Convini** in sight.  Out of options, he ran for the only shelter in sight. An abandoned playground...what an unlikely place for an Idol Star

Vocab:

Yakati: (noun) One of those rolling wooden carts that sit on the street that you always see people drinking at in Japan/ anime. The serve saki, dango and other drinking food to partons sitting behind their curtain.  

Convini: (noun) Japanese slang for a convience store. I find I use this in real life now!


End file.
